Picture via @space_babe2 on Instagram
I realized throughout my experience with sex and relationships that I may have a higher sex drive than most women I know. While it may sound exciting to some, I’ve found it to be a lose lose situation. In a past relationship with a partner where we had incompatible sex drives, this caused me a lot of distress. Outside of relationships, it has caused me to feel shame socially.
In the beginning of me being single, I was curious about what sex with other people (particularly very attractive men lol) would be like. However, after a short while of having meaningless sex with guys that couldn’t pronounce my name correctly, while I did/do really enjoy sex, I knew it was intimacy that I really craved. I was lonely and I figured that while sex was not all I wanted, it was as close as I was going to get to the intimacy I desired. Not to mention, tinder made casual sex very accessible (until I was banned lol). I felt that I had needs and that it wasn’t fair to deprive myself of pleasure simply because no men in my vicinity were recognizing my worth.
I had a lot of sex with a lot of different guys. Sometimes the sex was “good”, (what even is good sex for women?) and sometimes it wasn’t. However, there were two constants with all the guys I slept with. For one, I never orgasmed once. Secondly, even if I didn’t like the guy’s personality, I always wanted to establish more of an emotional connection, and they unfortunately never shared that want along with me. I constantly felt used, shorted, abandoned, and undervalued. And even though I was settling in all of these encounters, it still felt close to impossible for me to go over a week without having sex. I would be distracted during the week with school, but when the weekend came and I was alone with my thoughts, sex became like a drug that I needed to have. My friends became worried and thought I might have a mild sex addiction. In my mind, I was being this sexually free woman and breaking down double standards. However, in hindsight, I wasn’t being honest with myself about my feelings and my needs, and what I was doing was very emotionally damaging to my spirit.
Even though I wanted to be, I learned that I am not the kind of person that can have healthy casual sexual relationships. After over a year of disappointing sexual encounters, (some may refer to this a my ho phase), I bought my first vibrator and decided to try my best to refrain from having sex with people who didn’t treat me how I knew I wanted to be treated. I learned that sexual liberation and/or freedom does not have to only look one way. Granted, my decision to be more particular with who I had sex with was in no way influenced by the shame I was likely to endure from society if I continued (I don’t care). This decision was 100% about what would be best for me. I learned that I need commitment, respect, intimacy, and an emotional connection in order to feel fulfilled in my relationships. I learned that being alone and with myself is healthier for me than accepting company that would provide me with instant gratification but ultimately bring me pain and anguish long term. It has been difficult, but I feel that I am now in a much better place than I was and I am proud of myself for the progress I have made. However, I still struggle often with discipline, discernment, and advocating for myself. I still struggle with attaching my worth to my sexual performance and what I can offer with my body. I don’t always make the best decisions, but in those times, I try to remember to be honest with myself and to not minimize my feelings regardless of what society says a woman should accept. I also try and remind myself that healing and growth is not linear, and that it's important to continuously practice self compassion and acceptance as I wrestle with different challenges.
Our culture is very hyper sexual, but we often fail to dissect the motivations behind that and the multitude of problems that exist within the way we portray sex and relationships in media. These largely flawed portrayals seep into the fabric of our society and result in even more problems. I have only heard of men speak of experiencing sex addiction, and they usually speak about it like it is something to be proud of. I think people see it as synonymous to being a "freak", which usually has a positive connotation. However, when women have these same experiences that many men are having, they are called derogatory terms and are seen to have less value/worth. This thing that we do as a society where we shame women for doing the same things as men is getting really old. Anyone can have a sex addiction. We shouldn't shame people for what they go through nor should we put behaviors on a pedestal that often times stem from feelings of lack, insecurity, and/or trauma. Shame keeps us from seeking and accepting the support and resources we need in order to heal and cope in healthy ways. We are all navigating this human experience and we all have something we are struggling with and/or working on. Nobody should have to suffer alone or in silence or feel ashamed about any aspect of themselves or their experiences, but it is our responsibility as people as we learn and age to ask for help when we need it and to take accountability for our own healing. Taking responsibility for our healing is important because the degree to which we are healed affects how we show up in the world and how we treat others.
Thanks for reading! Please let me know your thoughts!
Recommendations
I have never been diagnosed with a sex addiction, but the resources below have given me a lot of education, comfort, knowledge and understanding around my experiences, made me feel seen, and given me hope and inspiration for healing in the future:
- This passage from Adrienne Marie Brown's incredible book, "Pleasure Activism" that changed my entire life:
“But I will say I am having the best sex of my life, and it isn’t an accident. It is because of years of practice and hard work. It is because of friends who saw me having the most unhealthy sex of my life in my twenties and said “Honey girl, no.” It is because I have been blessed with lovers who were tender and taught me things and let us explore together. It is because of periods of intentional celibacy in my life.”
- This instagram video! Shan's YouTube videos changed my entire life.
- The movie, “Thanks for Sharing”, Pink/Dede’s character in particular. I liked how she touched on the ways having this condition can negatively impact your relationships.
- Kennedy is the funniest person I have ever experienced. I also love that she mentions the importance of aftercare for some people.
- Hitomi's youtube videos also changed my entire life.
- Watching this video was the first time I identified my relationship with sex to the the term, Hypersexuality.
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