My Experience with Major Depressive Disorder

Updated: Jul 18, 2022

My therapist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder in October 2021, and I am currently taking antidepressants. Getting this news was not surprising to me at all. I was actually relieved that my struggles would now be somewhat validated, and that I was no longer fighting this fight alone and struggling in silence. Sadness is an emotion I've been very familiar with for some time. Happiness, however, has always felt more like a distant friend.

My goal for this post is not to receive sympathy or pity. My goal is to share what my reality has been for some time. My goal is to share a part of my life that has had a large impact on me - a part of my life that I’ve had trouble understanding - a part of my life that I have in the past and currently still feel ashamed about experiencing and discussing with others. My goal is to normalize and destigmatize conversations around depression and mental health and to hopefully help anyone dealing with something similar feel a little less alone. Lastly, I hope to aid anyone who is unfamiliar with the toll depression can take on a person in gaining a better understanding and interacting with people dealing with depression in a more informed, compassionate, and nonjudgmental light.

What is the cause of my depression?

I believe that depression shows up differently in different personality types. I really struggle with faking my emotions for long periods of time, but my hypothesis is that a lot of other people either have less of an aversion to putting on a face, or they are in a less privileged position than myself. Many people have to suck their feelings up in order to survive, they have people that are dependent on them keeping it together, or they have a lot more pressure on them to conform than I do. This mask a lot of us wear, some more frequently than others, makes the internal suffering we’re experiencing harder to detect by the outside world.

Lady Bird (2017)

I’ve always been very shy, awkward, and soft spoken. I’ve struggled with low self confidence, low self-esteem, and a myriad of insecurities, internal and external, for as long as I can remember. I think I was predisposed at birth to be this way, but bullying in high school didn’t help lol. I’ve always felt very different from the people around me, and as a result, I often had trouble connecting with others and making friends. In addition to my social struggles, the structure and topics covered in my classes in high school and college felt meaningless to me most of the time, so I didn’t enjoy attending them or being at school in general.

Overtime, I’ve come to realize that the cause of my depression can usually be attributed to either one of the two or both:

feeling disconnected from myself aka "Who am I?"
feeling disconnected from the world/others around me aka "What am I doing?"

I have often felt purposeless. I’ve never felt like I had a strong and authentic community of people that really understood me and were genuinely passionate about the things that I get the most pleasure and excitement out of.

How does depression feel?

This feeling of disconnection is a silent yet agonizing and seemingly inescapable pain. I search my mind and the internet desperately for remedies to no avail. How can I fill or atleast shrink this gaping hole in my chest/heart? I constantly come up short, feeling utterly defeated, hopeless, and confused. I give up. Things will not get better. This is what my brain tells me. I just have to sit with the pain and wait for it to pass. I have no faith that any of the things the internet claims will make me feel better will actually help at all. I’m alone in this, and no one is coming to save me.

Depression feels extremely isolating. You feel light enough and insignificant enough to float away and disappear into thin air and cause no disruption, but your heart feels like it suddenly weighs a thousand pounds. You feel grounded in nothing. This vacuum of emptiness is strong and suffocating. Indifference. You’ve lost all footing. Everything connecting you back to earth has seemingly vanished. You have no impact on this world.

Master of None S3:E4 Moments in Love, Chapter 4

Maybe you’re struggling with something externally. You’ve made some kind of mistake or you’re dealing with some kind of hardship, and you feel like you’re nothing but a burden on all of the good people around you. You feel worthless. You only hurt others and make their lives more difficult. Everyone would be better off if you just disappeared. This is what you tell yourself, and it makes a lot of sense in the moment. You don’t see a reason or a point in living. You desperately want the suffering you’re experiencing to end, but you don’t know how to make it stop, so you feel like it never will stop. You’re overwhelmed with a feeling much more intense and much more deep than sadness.

You feel like you have no one to talk to or at least no one that will understand. Anyone you talk to will think you’re crazy or they’ll be deeply disturbed. They’ll make you feel even more ashamed and more alone than you already feel, and you just can’t take anymore disappointment at the moment. You’re drowning, but no one is helping you because you muffle your screams and try not to make any noise. You’ve made yourself invisible. You’re ashamed to even have these feelings at all. You don’t understand them, so no one is coming to help, or at least no one is coming with the help you need which feels equally as upsetting.

How have you coped with depression in the past?

When I’m feeling depressed, I watch feel good movies, and I sleep a lot in efforts to escape my excruciating thoughts and state of being. I have no energy to do anything else. I end up in a fetal position crying myself to sleep. The feelings usually fade just to return a couple hours or days later. I stay in my room to cry and wallow in peace, leaving for nothing but junk food and empty calories to comfort me. I see no point in taking care of myself. I’m no fun to be around when I’m like this. I become extremely irritable and short and have zero capacity for small talk. Pleasantries go out the window because what’s the point? What’s the point of anything?

A lot of people are addicted to drugs, self harm, or alcohol, and often have to indulge at least once a day to cope with their depression and feelings of emptiness. Masturbation and sex were my drugs. I was broke, they were free, and I was addicted to the guaranteed pleasure and false sense of connection/intimacy I was guaranteed to receive each time. I couldn’t figure out how to derive joy, pleasure, or connection from anywhere else, and they both felt like sure things that were in my control.

What kept you from properly addressing your depression sooner?

I’ve gotten really frustrated with myself and often wondered why I couldn't just feel good and happy like everyone else. Why can’t my brain just work normally? I figured that I was just lazy and ungrateful and that I must be the problem, so I just kept pushing myself. I wasn’t able to show myself compassion for what I was dealing with. I didn’ think anyone could help me or understand me, and I figured this would just be something I had to deal with on my own. Even though I had been struggling with depression for years, I don’t think I really sought out the help I needed until my most recent breakdown. You can read more about how that all unfolded here.

Despite growing up in a middle class household with two loving, supportive, and responsible parents, I was still so sad so often. I thought I was too privileged to be depressed. I first heard the term, “Depression Olympics”, on an episode of the podcast Well + Good titled "We're Normalizing Feeling Bad". It was a crucial discovery that aided me in validating my sadness. Depression Olympics basically means competing over who has it worse. This results in me feeling guilty for feeling sad or depressed when so many people are so much worse off than I am. It took a long time for me to explore healthy coping mechanisms for the challenges I was dealing with partially because I would often minimize my feelings. I felt I was not deserving of help. When I heard about this term, I was relieved. It affirmed to me that two things can be true at once. You can be grateful for your life and your blessings. You can be aware of the struggles that others are experiencing, and you can simultaneously be struggling yourself and be in need of support. It changed my perspective, and I was able to release a lot of shame.

I had a right to be sad even if others had it worse or even if I didn’t even know why I was sad at that moment. I didn’t always need a “good reason”. I deserved to be happy and to receive help and support if I couldn’t figure out how to feel better on my own. I would never make progress and experience more of the happiness I deserved to feel if I didn’t stop comparing myself to other people and actually begin to sift through and tackle my own emotions. It took me countless breakdowns and years of suffering to get to this place, but I’m grateful I made it here. I’m grateful that I asked for help. I’m glad that I’m alive. I’m glad that you’re alive, reading this. And help for me looked like a break from school, weekly therapy appointments, antidepressants, leaving friendships I felt didn't align with my core values, and switching career paths to something I knew would be more fulfilling to me. It also included learning more about myself and being intentional about filling my life with things that brought me joy. I’ll go more into other realizations that helped me cope in Part 2.

While sadness is an emotion I know well, there are also moments where I feel immense joy, inspiration, and bliss. There have been times that I’ve cried simply because I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for this life, for my life, for my body, for my brain, for my family, my friends, and just all the experiences I‘ve been blessed to have and for all the experiences that have yet to come. I know what it’s like to feel high on life, and I want to curate these feelings in my life and the lives of others as much as I can. I know it takes a lot of hard work. I know struggles and challenges are inevitable. But I am willing to put in the work to heal, cope in healthy ways, and honor my needs. Why? Because for one, I have this strong feeling that I am a vessel. I feel that I’ve been brought here to deliver important messages, and I want to make sure I do that. My purpose is greater than my pain. I also believe that life is beautiful. Life is a gift, and it’s meant to be enjoyed and I want to make the most of my time here.

What things have helped you deal with the negative stigma associated with depression?

I recently purchased the sweatshirt in the picture above. Lexapro is the brand of antidepressants I'm currently on. Was it an impulsive purchase that I can't really afford? Yes. But I am actually obsessed with it. I am just so in love with the idea of being loud and proud about everything that makes us human and makes us unique individuals, especially the parts we are taught to hide and be ashamed of. Also this sweatshirt is really cute which helps a lot! It helps me reject a lot of the stereotypes in terms of who it's okay for to be depressed. It’s helps me to say fuck anyone who tries to put me in a box. I am multifaceted and my depression does not define me.

I'm funny and I have depression.
I'm cute and I have depression.
I'm a black woman and I have depression.
I have great music taste and I have depression.
I'm 21 and I have depression.
I'm creative and I have depression.
I'm a hard worker and I have depression.
I'm passionate and I have depression.
I'm kind and I have depression.

Depression has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember, but it is far from all that I am. I've been so afraid to write and talk about my depression openly out of fear of being judged or type casted into this sad depressed girl that people think is weird or pity. Now, I'm realizing that anyone that chooses to do that is ignorant and is missing out on a lot of awesomeness. We are all such complex individuals and there’s so much misinformation going around. It's so important that we really start trying to understand each other better and allow people to be their most full and authentic selves.

Thanks for reading. Please let me know your thoughts!